She is Her.

A story about a little girl who admired her father:

Born into a happy family and by age 3 her world that she once knew fell apart because two adults couldn’t get it together. Father was blinded by his hate for her mother that he couldn’t see his daughters heart breaking.

Words are powerful. She learned that pretty fast. Once, her father looked her in her eyes and told her he wanted nothing to do with her. In that moment, she say a man that was so prideful and needed love also. So she never hated him. She was 11. Deeply in need of her fathers love, she had felt it before so she knew he was capable of loving her but struggled.

Meanwhile, mother picks up his slack in a major way. She made decisions without consulting him. She took over, she did everything she could to provide a good life for her daughter. Daughter had no structure, so she finds it hard to trust relationships, trust herself and wondered if it was ok to be herself. How could she? The first man she loved disowned her when things got rough.

I think she just wanted to be enough in his eyes. She notices how she started treating her mother at her adult age. As if she blamed her mother. What she understood as time went on is that her mother did the best and more to make sure she didn’t have to feel the way she did. So when she falls short she feels bad because she knows the sacrifices her mother made for her.

So she built this wall that will take the purest of hearts, true intentions and one willing to understand her background to know how to love her for who she was, is and becoming. The question is how will she be able to identify that love when it comes? Or will she sabotage it?

But first, she needs to understand that what she’s been through is what has made her who she is. Sins of her fathers past may follow her but she doesn’t have to succumb to it. So she looks forward to the day she may have a love of her own and correct the mistakes made so she can re write her unborn children’s faith.

She is her.

Insomnia thoughts at 1AM.

I’m sick and tired of being tired.

I absolutely hate depending on people.

I crave independence, I need it as bad as I need air to breathe. Which means, I’m claustrophobic at this point.

I want to get married but I don’t want to settle.

I want to have kids but I fear for my unborn children. I just want them to be raised in one household. A loving, God fearing home.

I fear that I cannot forget what has been done to me, which affects my views and reality.

I am scared that where I am in life is all I am capable of, but at the same time I visualize my life so much brighter in my mind.

I wish my phone rang more.

I miss the days when you’d talk on the phone for hours with friends, a crush etc. Scary that those days are behind us. Now, social media posts is how people check up on you.

I’m mostly tired of sacrificing my happiness for others.

I’m sick and tired of men telling me I act “masculine” when I’m standing up for myself or making a decision for my life.

I’m sick of people that feel they’re entitled. Like, spare me the BS.

And yes I said I, I, I, because this is about me! And this platform is mine! Just like when I speak for me I speak for my whole existence/body.

Merry Christmas! #2017Edition

Hi Guys! Hope you all had an amazing day! This year I focused on the reason for the season. It’s Jesus’s Birthday! :). And I know I serve an almighty God who is his father and he the son! So, despite the challenges, short comings and losses taken this year I’m still grateful. I wasn’t expecting anything! Like, I had no expectations whatsoever but God and the universe didn’t want that for me! I received gifts from Hannah’s grandparents(if you follow me on snap you know Hannah), I won a gift at a white Christmas party, Jasper gifted me as well and my favorite gift this year was from Kasie who gave me some earrings!

But the one gift I am giving myself this year and will carry on the new year is to set boundaries for people in my life. I don’t care who you are. You can’t have my peace of mind, my joy or my happiness. I can’t sacrifice myself any longer to make others happy and I also understand that I may not meet everyone’s expectation of me and that is FINE! So my gift to me is: removing all things that no longer bring me positivity, peace or purpose into my life. Word to Deonna McGary!

Overall, I’m looking forward to a new year and fresh start! And I hope you enjoyed your Christmas! Love you!

PS: My birthday is on the 30th!!!