My life as of today is not where I want it to be. I mean no where remotely close. However, I am mature enough to take accountability on certain things I have done that have led me here. For example, blowing my tuition money because I wanted to be cool and shop more than i cared about going to class. This didn’t mean that I was dumb because as time has gone by, I’ve realized I’m a smart girl. That action led to me causing pain to my mother who was working her ass off to front my bill while she worked in Nigeria. Then, I had no regard for money or understood anything about money. So you see, my mother is the love of my life. She has always been there for me. She made sure I went to the best schools, she wanted a grand education for me. She too was trying to prove something to her peers, that because she is a single mother does not mean she was a terrible mother and she could take care of me. I never doubted that. I didn’t understand this at my early 20s so I suffered terribly because the person who always believed in me was hurt by how selfish I could have been and that led to me feeling disappointed in myself. My father and I never had the kind of relationship my mother and I had. So I couldn’t even call him to be encouraged, so I shut down.
This was the beginning of me facing myself in the mirror everyday knowing that a decision I made had caused someone I loved dearly to view me differently. I started my process of growing up and realizing that every action I take defines who I am. I didn’t know this then, I’m sure if I did I wouldn’t have made these mistakes. And those mistakes wouldn’t haunt me after so many years. I find myself in something I call a mental warfare now. In order for me to heal I have to talk about it. So this is mental warfare1. If I can help someone or let them know that they are not alone in their battles maybe we could all conquer together.