She is Her.

A story about a little girl who admired her father:

Born into a happy family and by age 3 her world that she once knew fell apart because two adults couldn’t get it together. Father was blinded by his hate for her mother that he couldn’t see his daughters heart breaking.

Words are powerful. She learned that pretty fast. Once, her father looked her in her eyes and told her he wanted nothing to do with her. In that moment, she say a man that was so prideful and needed love also. So she never hated him. She was 11. Deeply in need of her fathers love, she had felt it before so she knew he was capable of loving her but struggled.

Meanwhile, mother picks up his slack in a major way. She made decisions without consulting him. She took over, she did everything she could to provide a good life for her daughter. Daughter had no structure, so she finds it hard to trust relationships, trust herself and wondered if it was ok to be herself. How could she? The first man she loved disowned her when things got rough.

I think she just wanted to be enough in his eyes. She notices how she started treating her mother at her adult age. As if she blamed her mother. What she understood as time went on is that her mother did the best and more to make sure she didn’t have to feel the way she did. So when she falls short she feels bad because she knows the sacrifices her mother made for her.

So she built this wall that will take the purest of hearts, true intentions and one willing to understand her background to know how to love her for who she was, is and becoming. The question is how will she be able to identify that love when it comes? Or will she sabotage it?

But first, she needs to understand that what she’s been through is what has made her who she is. Sins of her fathers past may follow her but she doesn’t have to succumb to it. So she looks forward to the day she may have a love of her own and correct the mistakes made so she can re write her unborn children’s faith.

She is her.

Insomnia thoughts at 1AM.

I’m sick and tired of being tired.

I absolutely hate depending on people.

I crave independence, I need it as bad as I need air to breathe. Which means, I’m claustrophobic at this point.

I want to get married but I don’t want to settle.

I want to have kids but I fear for my unborn children. I just want them to be raised in one household. A loving, God fearing home.

I fear that I cannot forget what has been done to me, which affects my views and reality.

I am scared that where I am in life is all I am capable of, but at the same time I visualize my life so much brighter in my mind.

I wish my phone rang more.

I miss the days when you’d talk on the phone for hours with friends, a crush etc. Scary that those days are behind us. Now, social media posts is how people check up on you.

I’m mostly tired of sacrificing my happiness for others.

I’m sick and tired of men telling me I act “masculine” when I’m standing up for myself or making a decision for my life.

I’m sick of people that feel they’re entitled. Like, spare me the BS.

And yes I said I, I, I, because this is about me! And this platform is mine! Just like when I speak for me I speak for my whole existence/body.

I’m baaaaaack!

Hey guys!! It’s been a while. The Last two months have been a blur. As I wrote on a previous post “The Waiting Game” you’ll understand a bit of what I’m talking about.

I received a phone call from my lawyer a few days ago and it was a reminder from God that I should have hope that things will be ok. I honestly didn’t think I would get through this rut i had been in off and on for months now. But that phone call?! Ahhh I will tell you all soon and I promise I will make the news loud! 2018 is my year to plant seeds in my garden that I’ve worked hard on!

Oh I don’t know how we do it, but I think God has his hands on the both of us. My relationship suffered because I was so caught up in my own shit that it had become a norm to fight everyday with my partner. Most of them caused by me. After several fights, conversations and communicating properly we worked through it. And his family coming to town and spending time with them reminded me of who I am, what I wanted and what makes me happy, Him!

I took a social media break for about two weeks and during those days it was brought to my attention that as I was going through my mood swings and getting on social media looking at other people being active and living had affected me and my perspective of what reality, my reality was. Which made it so much easier for me to fall into a mood. Social media breaks are necessary now for me. Oh and during this break I realized the people that actually cared to talk to me in real life and not because I made a post on snap or Instagram lol. Hey Bestie and my sister Leona! Love u both dearly.

If you follow me on Instagram you’ll know I’m also on a 90 Day Mind Body and Soul cleanse and I’m on Day 28. And in these 28 days I’ve rediscovered hope, realized how my mood can affect those I love and how being more present in life is such a benefit for me. I wonder how i will feel by Day 60!!! I’m excited and looking forward to documenting my journey.

Here are a few photos of me! You know I love a good selfie and Snapchat filters!

Mental Warfare 1

My life as of today is not where I want it to be. I mean no where remotely close. However, I am mature enough to take accountability on certain things I have done that have led me here. For example, blowing my tuition money because I wanted to be cool and shop more than i cared about going to class. This didn’t mean that I was dumb because as time has gone by, I’ve realized I’m a smart girl. That action led to me causing pain to my mother who was working her ass off to front my bill while she worked in Nigeria. Then, I had no regard for money or understood anything about money. So you see, my mother is the love of my life. She has always been there for me. She made sure I went to the best schools, she wanted a grand education for me. She too was trying to prove something to her peers, that because she is a single mother does not mean she was a terrible mother and she could take care of me. I never doubted that. I didn’t understand this at my early 20s so I suffered terribly because the person who always believed in me was hurt by how selfish I could have been and that led to me feeling disappointed in myself. My father and I never had the kind of relationship my mother and I had. So I couldn’t even call him to be encouraged, so I shut down.

This was the beginning of me facing myself in the mirror everyday knowing that a decision I made had caused someone I loved dearly to view me differently. I started my process of growing up and realizing that every action I take defines who I am. I didn’t know this then, I’m sure if I did I wouldn’t have made these mistakes. And those mistakes wouldn’t haunt me after so many years. I find myself in something I call a mental warfare now. In order for me to heal I have to talk about it. So this is mental warfare1. If I can help someone or let them know that they are not alone in their battles maybe we could all conquer together.

The Waiting Game

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you had to wait for something? that feeling of waiting on a letter, phone call, email, text that once you receive will change your life? It’s almost as if time is standing still, it feels like ages you have been waiting to hear back the news that you can proceed with living your life the best way you can. But, no. You have been waiting for 10 months, for something you thought would take 3- 4 months for them to make a decision. So how do you go on with life knowing their isn’t much you can do until you get what you are waiting for?

Meanwhile, everyone around you is on the move. Making plans, living their dreams, working on their dreams, basically being productive and here you are at home twenty four seven. You aren’t the idle type, your mind wonders when you are alone for too long. You are used to being productive, waking up at 7 am everyday and not getting home till 7 pm sometimes later to snoozing your 7 am alarm on a daily because it’s a constant reminder of how you have nothing planned for the day. So what do you do to keep busy during this time? besides looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering why you’re still here playing the waiting game. Then it hits you that you are playing the waiting game in more than one aspect of your life.

So here I am, waiting on immigration to make decision on my status, ready to work for what I want but can’t move around to do so, waiting on this weight to drop but not doing anything about it because I feel so lost and hopeless that I work out once a week when I could do two a days, five days a week on a good week, ready to start a family but waiting on my man to be … nvm. I isolate myself so much now because I’m just not happy. Then, I have a conversation with my dad and he reminds me that I am his first child(ADA) and i should be taking care of him. He’s accurate. The shame I carry not being able to take care of my parents alone could drown me in misery. But here you are in a country trying to become someone and make something of yourself. I am a strong person I know that but I will be lying through my teeth if i said I am happy with the way things are. However, I can’t control it. Trying to not worry about something you cannot control is hard.

 

Something is about to happen…

 

 

If you keep up with me, you know that I love TD Jakes. I came across this video this morning after working out. I needed affirmation, my mind and body was craving to be uplifted. When I am alone I tend to overthink and be in my head a lot. This video has been playing for 10 minutes now because I need it to resonate with me. I believe every word that is being spoken. You just have to believe in God and yourself. Life can make you feel like God has forgotten about you, he hasn’t. If you know half of what I I have experienced and still go through and constantly come out of it. I know God is watching me. My mom will tell you that God has been on my side. I have had moments in my life where I felt like God had forgotten about me. Biggest mistake I made thinking that way. But, God kept showing me that I am his daughter and he loves me despise my sins. I just had to believe. Believe in him, believe that things that have happened have made me who I am. Now, when someone has experienced something similar to what I have I can honestly tell them that it will be ok. And if I haven’t experienced what you have yet, I know you will come out of that darkness if you believe and trust in God.

It’s a new season, things are about to change. Something is about to happen!